Baking (:

I made cookies today (: i didnt have a single one or and of the mixture so YAY! theyre for my mum even though i hate her. So i made two mixtures, both basic cookie mixtures but i added melted chocolate sauce to one mixture and then marbled to two together (: then covered them all in chocolate after.

Before i put them in the oven.

they're cooked (: and huge!

mmmm look so good, and tempting!

oooh...

I found an amazing website today, it works out BMI, fat %, lean body mass and all sorts :D the link is http://www.scientificpsychic.com/fitness/diet.html
^enjoy :)

So its said...
waist to heigh ratio : 0.36 (no fucking idea what that means, a ratio of over 0.5 is bad)
fat % : 9.6 (essential fat is between 10-12% so yay!)
lean body mass : 99.5lbs (so i could technically still lost 10.5lbs of fat?! wow best get started)
underweight by 7.9lbs (liar)
interesting....


Im actually rather pleased with my results, apart from my lean body mass! WOW i have 10lbs of fat on my body, jheeze that needs to go!


go ahead, try it out lovelies :D

fatty alert.

Today i ate like a bitch, no joke i like devoured my entire kitchen. 900 calories, 350 burned off. Eugh. SO ive decided to make a new plan to number one, punish myself and number two, lose the weight i'll have gained. I have a weigh in on friday so i cant have gained, well Mark (counsellor) wants me to, but i want to lose for it i dont care what he says,
here goes:
- under 300 calories for the next seven days.
- burn off AT LEAST 200 calories a day.
- no porcessed foods, everything has to be made from scratch.
- im going Vegan again.
- no salt, sugar or anything of the sort.
- im cutting down on carbs.
Im hoping this'll get me somewhere. Ive been at 110lbs for way too long for my liking :/

i give up.

"The girl who seemed unbreakable.. broke.

The girl who seemed strong.. crumbled.

The girl who always laughed.. cried.

She dropped her fake smile as a tear ran down her cheek and she whispered

 'i cant do this anymore'"

^That girl is me. I was seen as the strong happy girl at school, the girl who cheered others up when they were down, didnt take anything to heart and always had a smile on my face. That smile was just a cover, it hid the pain and suffering i had bottled up inside me. Yesterday i broke. I cried for the most part of the day. I cried at school, three times. Four times in the past two days. On Thursday i had an argument with some 'friends' so i ended up in tears. Then i got onto stage to dance (rehearsals for the show) i still had tears covering my face but the lights were so hot and bright i almost passed out. Cried to my teacher. She took me to medical and i was forced to eat mini cheddars, cried continuously throughout this. 
Then yesterday i cried in the morning after talking to a boy about what happened on thursday. I cried at lunch after another fight with one of my 'friends' then cried after school with my german teacher. She asked me what was wrong as i was leaving the class, she said she'd realised something wasnt right anymore and she had spoken to my head of year about me (great more people talking about me) she said my head of year had told her 'i was going through personal issues' and was seeing a counsellor. She said she could guess what was wrong and didnt want me to fail my exams. I asked her what she thought was wrong and she said 'well im guessing it has something to do with eating. You're looking very thin and you're always tired' etc. I cried -.- got im a right pussy arent i? then last night i cried for about an hour until i literally had no more tears left. 
thats it, i give up. I want to die. I have decided i will just starve until i finally die, that would be the perfect ending for me. I have a date, time, place and everything in my head, the perfect place to die in my opinion. I think it'll be peaceful, i'll just fall softly and my eyes will close and i'll be asleep forever.
I dont even care, i'd be happy to be known as the perfect ballerina who just got so perfect she disappeared. My dad told me about a dancer, some redhead girl, who starved herself to death. He said her parent had to hold her as she died and he didnt want to have to do the same thing. The thing is he told me this to convince me to get better but she became my new inspiration :l im messed up.

pathetic.

today has been one of the worst days of my life. after having a fight with a few 'friends' of mine yesterday i already felt like shit but now is worse :l stupid girls. Apparently according to people at school i 'think im better because im 'skinny'' and I'm 'only friends with my best friend because shes thin' and 'hate fat people'. PATHETIC! sorry but wth?! and then i get called and anorexic freak. good one. way to get to me you stupid cunt. jesus i hate people so much. fuckmylife.

I was the fat girl.

I had my appointment at the clinic on Friday.. I was the fat girl. I saw three or four other girls there, either inpatient, daypatient or outpatients and they were all so amazingly thin and beautiful. I felt like a hippo invading a skinny party -.- i hate it. 
They assessed me, took a blood sample and my blood pressure and i have a follow up meeting on wednesday. I am so scared. They'll weigh me and see that im fat and dont deserve to be there, maybe they'll think there's nothing wrong and i can come home and continue to lose weight? oh god i do hope so (: