Baking (:

I made cookies today (: i didnt have a single one or and of the mixture so YAY! theyre for my mum even though i hate her. So i made two mixtures, both basic cookie mixtures but i added melted chocolate sauce to one mixture and then marbled to two together (: then covered them all in chocolate after.

Before i put them in the oven.

they're cooked (: and huge!

mmmm look so good, and tempting!

oooh...

I found an amazing website today, it works out BMI, fat %, lean body mass and all sorts :D the link is http://www.scientificpsychic.com/fitness/diet.html
^enjoy :)

So its said...
waist to heigh ratio : 0.36 (no fucking idea what that means, a ratio of over 0.5 is bad)
fat % : 9.6 (essential fat is between 10-12% so yay!)
lean body mass : 99.5lbs (so i could technically still lost 10.5lbs of fat?! wow best get started)
underweight by 7.9lbs (liar)
interesting....


Im actually rather pleased with my results, apart from my lean body mass! WOW i have 10lbs of fat on my body, jheeze that needs to go!


go ahead, try it out lovelies :D

fatty alert.

Today i ate like a bitch, no joke i like devoured my entire kitchen. 900 calories, 350 burned off. Eugh. SO ive decided to make a new plan to number one, punish myself and number two, lose the weight i'll have gained. I have a weigh in on friday so i cant have gained, well Mark (counsellor) wants me to, but i want to lose for it i dont care what he says,
here goes:
- under 300 calories for the next seven days.
- burn off AT LEAST 200 calories a day.
- no porcessed foods, everything has to be made from scratch.
- im going Vegan again.
- no salt, sugar or anything of the sort.
- im cutting down on carbs.
Im hoping this'll get me somewhere. Ive been at 110lbs for way too long for my liking :/

i give up.

"The girl who seemed unbreakable.. broke.

The girl who seemed strong.. crumbled.

The girl who always laughed.. cried.

She dropped her fake smile as a tear ran down her cheek and she whispered

 'i cant do this anymore'"

^That girl is me. I was seen as the strong happy girl at school, the girl who cheered others up when they were down, didnt take anything to heart and always had a smile on my face. That smile was just a cover, it hid the pain and suffering i had bottled up inside me. Yesterday i broke. I cried for the most part of the day. I cried at school, three times. Four times in the past two days. On Thursday i had an argument with some 'friends' so i ended up in tears. Then i got onto stage to dance (rehearsals for the show) i still had tears covering my face but the lights were so hot and bright i almost passed out. Cried to my teacher. She took me to medical and i was forced to eat mini cheddars, cried continuously throughout this. 
Then yesterday i cried in the morning after talking to a boy about what happened on thursday. I cried at lunch after another fight with one of my 'friends' then cried after school with my german teacher. She asked me what was wrong as i was leaving the class, she said she'd realised something wasnt right anymore and she had spoken to my head of year about me (great more people talking about me) she said my head of year had told her 'i was going through personal issues' and was seeing a counsellor. She said she could guess what was wrong and didnt want me to fail my exams. I asked her what she thought was wrong and she said 'well im guessing it has something to do with eating. You're looking very thin and you're always tired' etc. I cried -.- got im a right pussy arent i? then last night i cried for about an hour until i literally had no more tears left. 
thats it, i give up. I want to die. I have decided i will just starve until i finally die, that would be the perfect ending for me. I have a date, time, place and everything in my head, the perfect place to die in my opinion. I think it'll be peaceful, i'll just fall softly and my eyes will close and i'll be asleep forever.
I dont even care, i'd be happy to be known as the perfect ballerina who just got so perfect she disappeared. My dad told me about a dancer, some redhead girl, who starved herself to death. He said her parent had to hold her as she died and he didnt want to have to do the same thing. The thing is he told me this to convince me to get better but she became my new inspiration :l im messed up.

pathetic.

today has been one of the worst days of my life. after having a fight with a few 'friends' of mine yesterday i already felt like shit but now is worse :l stupid girls. Apparently according to people at school i 'think im better because im 'skinny'' and I'm 'only friends with my best friend because shes thin' and 'hate fat people'. PATHETIC! sorry but wth?! and then i get called and anorexic freak. good one. way to get to me you stupid cunt. jesus i hate people so much. fuckmylife.

I was the fat girl.

I had my appointment at the clinic on Friday.. I was the fat girl. I saw three or four other girls there, either inpatient, daypatient or outpatients and they were all so amazingly thin and beautiful. I felt like a hippo invading a skinny party -.- i hate it. 
They assessed me, took a blood sample and my blood pressure and i have a follow up meeting on wednesday. I am so scared. They'll weigh me and see that im fat and dont deserve to be there, maybe they'll think there's nothing wrong and i can come home and continue to lose weight? oh god i do hope so (: 

I like posting lyrics.. + I feel like shit.

The title pretty much says it all. I like posting lyrics that somewhat relate to what i am feeling or just songs that i am obsessed with and i feel like shit today. I got a letter from Vincent Square clinic, a 75 question questionnaire about restricting, body image, binging, purging, and just about everything else -.- and like 5 pages of writing which i have to read through before the appointment. Oh shit, this has just reminded me for some random reason, that i have history coursework due tomorrow :/ oh well, fail there then! 


Ive had a decent day.. Ive eaten:
breakfast: 200 (eek i know. I had 2 slices of bread only to realize it isnt the bread we usually have which is 50cals per slice. This bread had 100cals in a slice. fml.)
lunch: 0
dinner: potato (100)
snacks: yogurt (100) 
= 400 (: pretty pleased with myself tbh.

It's a little bit funny

This feeling inside.

I'm not one of those who can

Easily hide.

I don't have much money

But boy if I did

I'd buy I big house where

We both could live.

So excuse me forgetting

But these things I do.

See I've forgotten if

They're green or they're blue.

Anyway the thing is...

What I really mean...

Yours are the sweetest eyes

I've ever seen.

And you can tell everybody

This is your song.

It maybe quite simple but

Now that it's done

I hope you don't mind (x2)

That I put down in words

How wonderful life is

Now you're in the world.

If I was a sculptor

But then again no.

Or a girl who makes potions in

A travelling show.

I know it's not much but

It's the best I can do.

My gift is my song and

This one's for you.

Oh..

And you can tell everybody

This is your song.

It maybe quite simple but

Now that it's done

I hope you don't mind (x2)

That I put down in words

How wonderful life is

Now you're in the world.
Your Song-Ellie Goulding. Original by Elton John <3

much love my pretties xo

I got an phone call from in unknown number...

So, there i was sitting in German, miss was marking my coursework and all of a sudden my phone vibrates. I quickly walk out of the class and answer it and guess who it is? The fucking ED clinic. Yes, they would like to book an appointment -.- but i sort of liked it, they called me! not my mum! not my dad! MEE! yes. they trust me (: so that cheered me up a bit, i am still terrified though! 3rd December, 10am Vincent Square Clinic. Shit scared. But im hoping itll go alright though (: 

I have a new food plan (: It is a three week plan, until the appointment and each day will be under 400 calories, except for fridays, thats 500 as a treat :D i hope i stick to it, my restricting skills are so crap atm i find it so hard not to eat -.- im so fat.

Any way a new motivational song i have fallen in love with :D 

Hey, don't write yourself off yet

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.

Just try your best, try everything you can.

And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same.

You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.

Live right now.

Yeah, just be yourself.

It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.

Just do your best, do everything you can.

And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright)

^The Middle- Jimmy Eat World. YES.

je t'aime <3

Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.

Is it still me that makes you sweat? 

Am I who you think about in bed? 

When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress? 

Then think of what you did 

And how I hope to God he was worth it. 

When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin. 

I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck 

Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me 

Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of 

Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat? 

No, no, no, you know it will always just be me 

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster 

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls, 

Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close? 

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls, 

Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close 

So I guess we're back to us, oh cameraman, swing the focus 

In case I lost my train of thought, where was it that we last left off? 

(Let's pick up, pick up) 

Oh now I do recall, we were just getting to the part 

Where the shock sets in, and the stomach acid finds a new way to make you get sick. 

I hope you didn't expect that you'd get all of the attention. 

Now let's not get selfish 

Did you really think I'd really let you kill this chorus? 

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster 

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls, 

Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close? 

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls, 

Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close? 

Dance to this beat 

Dance to this beat 

Dance to this beat 

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster 

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster 

I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck 

Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me 

Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of 

Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat? 

No, no, no, you know it will always just be me 

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster 

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls, 

Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close? 

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls, 

Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close? 

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls 

Dance to this beat 

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls 

Dance to this beat 

And hold a lover close 

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster 

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster

I love this song (: By Panic! at the disco. It is just amazing. ^^

^me, before my friends partayy (:

So today has been interesting, dancing wasn't on this morning cause my dance teacher is ill. I was so pissed, what was i going to do for exercise?! so i made up a routine that burned off 100 calories. Then im doing Davinas work out DVD later so it'll be alright i hope (: My routine went as follows:

- 10 minutes of jogging (70)

- 50 situps, 50 pulses, 20 squats, 20 one legged squats (on each leg), 20 press ups and star jumps (: 

I ate so much today! fuck me im fat. 

- breakfast: toast (100)

- lunch: i skipped lunch cause i snacked after breakfast and consumed an extra 200 calories.

- dinner: rice + some curry (300) 

+ one apple and half a yogurt (100)

so thats 700! AHHHHHHHH! more than i had

 all week! god. im so fat.

Me. ^fat legs. bingo wings. six stomachs. 

Any way, off to watch xfactor and run some more (: then bath + bed.
Stay sexy. 

It all started with a paracetamol and a cup of water.

Well this morning i didnt eat breakfast which isnt unusual but today i had really bad stomach pains. Like really bad. I went to my friends house and she weighed me and recorded my weight, she has to weigh me now to make sure im not losing anymore :\ Any way so we went off to school. about ten minutes in, i literally thought i was gonna die, i told my form tutor what was up and she sent me to the nurse. I asked for a paracetamol and  she gave me one. Then she asked the dreaded question 'What have you eaten?' 'Nothing' i replied. She gave me the look, that look where you know they want to lecture you but dont quite know how to get the words out. 'Have you had a drink?' 'yea, coffee' I said. She told me to drink some water and sit down for a bit. After ten minutes i went back to form and went about the day as usual, fell asleep in history, got shouted at in english, same old same old :) then lunch approached, i still hadnt eaten and my tummy was hurting again so i went back to the nurse. I walked in, got a paracetamol and lied to her saying i had eaten some lunch. She bought it, well, she acted like she had. She knew i was lying, she can read me like a book but she didnt bother saying anything. After school i went to work and then to my friends house. We got ready and went up to town to watch the fireworks display, got in for free cause my friends dad works there and waited. 
Then it happened. Ive been having a hard time with my friends, ive got a new group of mates and my old group hate it. I understand it, i mean ive ditched them. But im a bitch and i prefer my new friends to be honest. God they would kill me if they read this!! oh well, lifes too short. You cant please everyone right?
So i saw my new group of friends, i walked over, took a couple of sips of my friends vodka, had some lambrini and then all of a sudden all of my old friends had gone. 'oh well' i thought to myself. ive got my lot here, im fine. I watched the fireworks and then hopped on the train home. My head was spinning and i stumbled off the train onto the platform and to my mums car. I wasnt drunk, i had barely had anything. this was different.. I got home, had some soup and an apple and went to my room. My tummy started churning and my head spinning, my room turned upside down and bang. 
I woke up on my floor, bags surrounding me, coat half on. I slowly got up and steadied myself. Wow i fainted again. Great. 
Now im scared, i have dance on Monday first period and my teacher (who is also my form tutor) knows about my ED so she watches me. What if i pass out?! ive been feeling so weak anyway and physical activity is so hard! god itll be so embarrassing to faint in front of everyone! im scared. 
To make matters worse, me and mum havent spoken since yesterday, we hate eachother and she has told me i should move out. I HAVE NO WHERE TO GO! argh, i hope this weekend goes well, i cant bare any more drama in my life -.- 

'No matter where you RUN, you're only gonna end up running into YOURSELF' - Audrey Hepburn <333

Yes miss Hepburn, you are correct. I believe in this quote 100%! i mean, if you run forever you'll still just end up having to face the facts whenever you get where you're running to right? well i've realised today that i have to face the facts and understand that my life will always just be completely shit forever. I've had the crappiest day ever, my life is over and im dreading school tomorrow. my life is such a waste, it should've been given to someone more deserving -.- 
I spend so much time trying to make everyone else happy that i cant ever focus on myself. i eat to please my mum, i talk to please my friends. everything i do is always for someone else but im not doing it anymore. I refuse. I am going to live my life how i want to and not give a shit about whatever anyone else thinks (: 
Today i ate 557 calories. too much -.- but i burned off 250 so i guess its not too terrible right?
well im off to sleep now.. correction: lie in my bed crying until the sun starts to rise, finally doze off only to hear my alarm going off. wow my life is so pointless and worthless. Kill me now. please? 

Let the lies begin...

Well i mean let the lies continue -.- I had my assessment last week and ive been referred to Vincent Square Eating Disorder Clinic. I'll get a letter within 3 or 4 weeks to determine what type of treatment i get. Yay? I mean im only going because im over 16 by 10 days. If the assessment had just been 2 weeks ago i would be at the same clinic i was at before, i wish i was. I hate new places! Im going as an outpatient this time so it will be a lot easier to lie about how treatment is going.. im not quite sure whether im going to actually give recovery a go this time or just lie my way out of it. God i hate making decisions, the psychiatrist did say i was a 'fence sitter'. I get overwhelmed but decision making and find it very difficult to make my mind up as i try to please everyone. I agree with him -.-

On a brighter side, ive stuck to my meal plan, havent weighed myself though. Ive developed an intense fear of the scales!!! OH NO!!! I do have new thinspo though :) 

her legs are my porn <3333

Will mine ever be like hers? No.

I really wish i could get rid of those dancer muscles. I mean, i like having toned legs but they are officially huge. I will never have teeny tiny legs like that BEAUTIFUL SKINNY BITCH up there. I hate her. 

-No more chocolate for me.

-No sugar.

-Jog or walk every day.

-Dance more, do more pointe work.

-STOP EATING!

I know she doesnt eat, i can just tell. I bet she lives off water and air :) i wish i had her strength.

Peace out homies, ima go cry now. Then jog for an hour.

muchos love me amigos <3

100, 98, 93, 88..

yes, they are my goal weights. 

5'7 
cw: 110lbs
lw: 102lbs
gw: 100, 98, 93, 88.. it will never end. It started at 100 but being 10lbs away scares me! when i get there what will i have? nothing. so i lower it and lower it until i simply cannot continue. 


I soubt i'll ever actually get to any of my goal weights, i am 'recovering' i have an eating disorder assessment (again) on thursday to see what treatment i'll receive this time. yes i was in recovery before, i was in hospital and then i was shipped off to a bloody clinic! complete waste of the tax payers money, i got out and restricted that very day. so here i am. 

I have had a terrible day today and i will make up for it tomorrow! 
meal plan for the rest of the week :) 
Tuesday: 
breakfast- one cup black coffee.
lunch- one can of diet coke.
dinner- new potatoes (200)
Wednesday:
breakfast- one cup black coffee and a slice of toast (50)
lunch- soup (100)
dinner- one veggie quarter pounder and salad (200)
Thursday:
breakfast- one cup black coffee and a slice of toast (50)
lunch- sandwich (100)
dinner- pasta (300)
Friday: 
breakfast- nothing.
lunch- nothing.
dinner- jacket potato with beans (230)


I MUST STICK TO IT!!!

i usually eat under 600 calories per day, it used to be under 300 but my mum found out and now i am force-fed 3 meals a day -.- i dance 5 times a week so i do burn a lot but its still not enough..

Allow me to introduce myself,

Wow this is confusing.. not quite sure how to actually use this but im sure i'll have it all figured out soon (:
*ahem* allow me to introduce myself, i am August. I live in London. I made this blog so i can talk about everything, food, exercise and well, more food! 

'Some people who are obsessed with food become gourmet chefs, others get eating disorders.' - Marya Hornbacher

I am a dancer, Ballet & Contemporary. Ballet is my life and i hope some day i will be a professional ballerina <3 

My beautiful new pointe shoes <3